You Can't Choose Your Family

In the past 12 months I've lost my father, my mother and my uncle. The only one I'm upset about is my uncle, as I never knew my father, and my mother was an unpleasant woman who mistreated me for 32 years. I liked my uncle and we used to be really close, but he moved into a care home and I was unable to visit because of my health issues, so I haven't seen him for about 4 years. But he never forgot my birthday or Christmas and always sent me a cheque, although I rarely cashed them. It was just nice to be remembered when the rest of my family seem to have forgotten me.

I've had no contact with my mother for 12 years. My cousin is listed as her next of kin and was due to inherit everything when she died. My cousin and I used to be really close - she was like a big sister to me growing up - and we met up for lunch at least once a month to catch up with each other's news until about 6 years ago. Then she became a grandmother and was suddenly too busy for me. She didn't even have time to speak to me when I called. She always said she'd call me back, but she never did. She preferred to message me on Facebook (prompting me to eventually unfriend her) or text me. Her texts were always about her life - her kids, grandkids, her job, her terrible relationship - and she never asked how I was coping, even though she knew about my MS diagnosis and that I'm virtually housebound. So I blacklisted her number in an attempt to force her to call me when I didn't reply, but she never did. Until last night.

I saw I had a missed call from her, although I hadn't heard my phone ring. I wasn't going to return her call, but, as I said, she never calls, so I surmised my mother had died. I called her back.

Cousin: "Hi Charlie."
Me: "Is she's dead?"
Cousin: *deep breath, signalling the start of a long-winded story* "Well, she-"
Me: "So she's dead."
Cousin: "Aye, y'see-"
Me: "Fine. Now I know. 'Bye."

The news didn't upset me. My mother died for me 12 years ago when I last saw her. I used to harbour a lot of pain and anger about the way she mistreated me, but that's bygones now and news of her passing had no more impact on me than the weather report.

So why write this blog? Well, that's not what I'm upset about. As I said, my uncle died this year - in May, in fact - but I only found out this morning.

There's a wee story behind this. I have an app on my phone that backs up my phone contacts and settings. It updated overnight and I clicked on the icon instead of dismissing it as I usually do, as it looked different. The app now backs up text messages too - even blacklisted ones - and it shows your activity day by day. I saw that my cousin had texted me after I hung up on her to ask if I wanted details of the funeral (er, naw...?), but I saw that before she'd called, she'd texted me asking me to "fone ASAP". Cheap bitch! Now I wonder if I even missed her call, or if she let the phone ring twice then hung up so she didn't have to pay for the call!

I decided to see what else she'd texted me since 1st May (when I got my new phone) and that's how I found out that my uncle had died. My darling cousin had chosen to impart the news by text. She couldn't even pick up the phone to tell me that her dad had died. What sort of person informs a close relative that their only uncle is dead by text?! I couldn't believe it and I was absolutely livid.

After stewing about it (and having a wee greet for my uncle), I texted my cousin and told exactly what I thought of her. I told her she was a "cheap bitch", that I'd sent her dad a birthday card, not knowing he'd been in the ground for 3 months, because she couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call me. I told her, as far as I'm concerned, I have no family any more, to lose my number and not to contact me ever again. As of now, I'm dead to her.

Her response was "Well I txt u. OK."

Fuck her.