This year, after a long break, I decided to throw myself back into the dating game. I was quite happy with my life but, like everyone, I have needs - sexual needs - and was fed up going solo, so I thought I'd find myself a partner for some uncomplicated fun. This proved to be much more difficult than I anticipated and I have found myself on an emotional rollercoaster this year.
Anyone who tells you that women are the neurotic sex who don't know what they want hasn't tried online dating. I have met so many flaky men this year, you wouldn't believe it. Men who pursued me relentlessly, then disappeared when I suggested meeting in person. Men who said they were looking for a long-term playmate, then vanished after our first meeting. Men who said they wanted a relationship, then pushed me away after I agreed to be exclusive (even though it wasn't what I really wanted).
Now, sometimes compatability is an issue and I understand that. But I chatted to all of these men extensively before meeting to see that we had things in common and got on well. There's no point in wasting each other's time. But some men will say and agree to anything in order to get their leg over (those that aren't just after some filthy online chat, that is).
I did meet one very nice guy, whom I dated for about 4 months. He was seeing other people, which was fine with me. I didn't want anything full-on, just someone to see occasionally to have a laugh and some good sex, which we did for a while. Then one of his ladies, of whom he was rather fond, told him she wanted to be exclusive or she'd stop seeing him. He'd warned me when she first mentioned it, so it wasn't completely unexpected when he gave me the bad news. I was disappointed, but philosophical about it. I wished him luck and went back to the dating site to try and find a replacement.
I met someone else, chatted a while online, then met him for dinner. We had a lovely evening; he was charming, witty, warm, engaging, interesting - everything you could want in a dinner companion. On the down side he smoked and was more than a little overweight. But I decided to overlook these things, as I enjoyed his company. I mentioned the smoking (it triggers my asthma) and he agreed not to smoke around me, which I appreciated. We had two more dates where he was lovely, warm, engaging and we took things up a notch. Everything was going well. Then, on our fourth date, he changed. He lit up a cigarette in front of me. He told me about some horrible things he'd done at work to intentionally upset people. He mocked me extensively about a minor accident I'd had the day before. He had turned from this lovely, warm, charming man into a nasty, vindictive person that I didn't like at all. I asked what had changed and he said this was how he was 80% of the time and that he'd been feeling melancholy previously, which he was 20% of the time. I told him I liked him when he was melancholy, but I didn't like him otherwise. We didn't see each other again.
I decided to try another dating site - one that is more mainstream than the one I'd been using. I received a few messages and got chatting to a chap who seemed very nice, so we swapped MSN to enable us to chat more easily. In our first MSN conversation he latched onto the part of my profile that said I wasn't looking for anything serious and he started asking me lots of sexual questions. I tried to steer the conversation back to more mundane things - books, music, films - but he kept going back to this one paragraph in my profile. He asked me if I was into threesomes. I told him I wasn't. Then he went on the attack and called me promiscuous, all because I'd said I wasn't looking for a serious relationship and was open to the idea of seeing other people. I couldn't believe his attitude. I told him I was very disappointed that he'd focused on the sexual aspect of my profile and made judgements about me without getting to know me and ended our conversation there.
It appears that old double-standards are still going strong and what's sauce for the goose is most definitely not sauce for the gander as far as most men are concerned. They still see women as filthy whores if we don't want marriage and 2.4 kids, there to be used and cast aside. It's all rather depressing really.
My most recent bad experience was at the hands of someone I thought was a decent guy. We went out for dinner once, which didn't go well, as I wasn't feeling well. I should have cancelled, but didn't want him to think I was a flake, so I went ahead with it. He thought I wasn't interested and was being forcibly polite. I explained things and we kept in touch occasionally, but then I didn't hear from him for a while. Then, out of the blue, he sent me a text and asked if I'd like to go to his house for dinner. I was pleased to hear from him and accepted. The day before we were due to meet he came online and we chatted briefly about the directions to his house. He said he was going to the gym. I told him to enjoy. It was all very innocuous. So, imagine my surprise when he sent me a text 2 hours later saying he'd made a mistake, that he didn't feel a connection and dinner was off. I was stunned and the more I thought about it, the more upset I was by it. I couldn't understand what had changed in 2 hours. I sent him an e-mail telling him that what he'd done was hurtful and that he should be less thoughtless with the next woman he meets. He replied that I'd made him feel stupid when we chatted online. Some completely innocuous phrase I'd used had rankled him and he'd taken offence. Given that he is so sensitive, it's just as well he cancelled, or I'd never be done apologising for offending him. Tact and diplomacy aren't my strong points!
I'm giving the dating thing one final chance with a guy I've been chatting to for a few weeks. We've been out to dinner a couple of times and he seems very sweet and lovely - possibly too lovely for me. I only hope it's not all an act. That really would be the final straw for me. A girl can only take so much rejection and disappointment.
I've gone from being relatively happy and content with my life to being miserable, moody and even tearful on occasion. I don't do tearful, at least not without good reason. And most of my tears have been for myself, as all of this rejection has left me feeling empty, alone and unloved.
I think what this year's experience has taught me is that I'm much better off on my own and that other people are unreliable. The only person I can depend on is me. Nobody else can make me happy or make me feel loved; that has to come from within.
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