I'm still thinking about killing myself. It's preoccupying my thoughts and, if I had the means, I might have done it already. I said in my last blog that I wasn't ready to die, but I was wrong. I think I'm almost there. I just need to work out how to do it. There was a time when the thought of dying scared me, but not anymore. I'm quite ambivalent about the whole subject. I'd rather is was peaceful and painless, though. No opening of arteries or jumping from high places. I don't enjoy pain and I'm scared of heights. I'd rather my last moments weren't filled with agony and terror. Sleeping pills would be my preferred method, however a brief search of the internet suggests I'd need a shitload of drugs - far more than I have to hand - to be assured of success. This explains why the doctor wasn't at all concerned when I said I wanted to commit suicide using pills(!)
Perhaps street drugs are the way to go? Heroin is bound to do the job and I'm sure I could score some if I put my mind to it. I just need to know how much to take in order to be successful. Also, I should get a living will. I don't want someone reviving me if I botch it.
I've always thought suicide was a selfish act, that is must be hellish for those who are left behind. But I'm not leaving anyone behind - not really - so that argument doesn't really hold up in my case. If (or when) I decide it's time I might write letters to friends and family and work, so they know there was nothing they could have done. No-one should feel guilty. This is purely about me. It's more than just being lonely. Sure, that's part of it, but mainly it's about being tired - tired of being in pain, tired of not being able to to do the things I used to and, quite frankly, tired of being tired. Yes, it is selfish, but I'm allowed to be. I've no kids, no partner and no family who'll miss me. If people don't miss you while you're alive, they've no right to miss you once you're dead.
I'm sure anyone reading this will think it's a cry for help or attention seeking. However, unless I post a link to this, nobody will read it. My blog isn't listed or on any search engine, so this is really just for me. I may yet change my mind and decide not to go through with killing myself. This blog will serve as a reminder of how I was feeling and what my mindset was at this point in time. Or maybe someone will find it after my death and see that I was quite serious and resolved to the idea. Or perhaps no-one will ever read it. In the end, it doesn't matter. As I say, this is for me, nobody else. See? Selfish.
Perhaps street drugs are the way to go? Heroin is bound to do the job and I'm sure I could score some if I put my mind to it. I just need to know how much to take in order to be successful. Also, I should get a living will. I don't want someone reviving me if I botch it.
I've always thought suicide was a selfish act, that is must be hellish for those who are left behind. But I'm not leaving anyone behind - not really - so that argument doesn't really hold up in my case. If (or when) I decide it's time I might write letters to friends and family and work, so they know there was nothing they could have done. No-one should feel guilty. This is purely about me. It's more than just being lonely. Sure, that's part of it, but mainly it's about being tired - tired of being in pain, tired of not being able to to do the things I used to and, quite frankly, tired of being tired. Yes, it is selfish, but I'm allowed to be. I've no kids, no partner and no family who'll miss me. If people don't miss you while you're alive, they've no right to miss you once you're dead.
I'm sure anyone reading this will think it's a cry for help or attention seeking. However, unless I post a link to this, nobody will read it. My blog isn't listed or on any search engine, so this is really just for me. I may yet change my mind and decide not to go through with killing myself. This blog will serve as a reminder of how I was feeling and what my mindset was at this point in time. Or maybe someone will find it after my death and see that I was quite serious and resolved to the idea. Or perhaps no-one will ever read it. In the end, it doesn't matter. As I say, this is for me, nobody else. See? Selfish.
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