Not coping

I pride myself on being a strong, capable, independent woman. However, my recent health issues have knocked me for six.

Every time I start to feel better and think about doing something, like going dancing or returning to Zumba, something happens to set me back. Last week my bum foot started playing up again. It's been fine for ages, but something shifted out of place last week and it hasn't been right since. When I sit down for any length of time my foot stiffens up and I end up limping the next time I get up until I walk the stiffness off. I'm sure some of my colleagues think I'm faking, as I don't limp all the time. My foot is having a knock-on effect on my knees and hips too, as they're becoming painful. Stairs are particularly painful for me - both going up and coming down - so I choose the shallowest stairs in the office to go between the ground floor and my desk on the 2nd floor. They just so happen to be adjacent to the lift, so I'm sure everyone thinks I'm being a lazy cow and taking the lift instead of the stairs. Not that I give a damn what anyone thinks, of course. They can stick their judgement where the sun doesn't shine!

But, aside from my bum foot, I'm still suffering with the effects of my MS. I've been exhausted for months, which I thought was a temporary condition that would go away eventually. But, having spoken with a work colleague who also suffers from MS, I think this may be something I'll have to get used to. When the tiredness began I thought it was simply due to my busy lifestyle, as I was out most evenings enjoying myself. However, I haven't gone out much at all for months and, when I have done, it's taken several days to recover, which is not the norm.

I went to a Halloween party a couple of weekends ago. It was in Glasgow, so I stayed over in a hotel - the noisiest hotel in the world! I could hear sirens going past all night and when I managed to doze off I was woken by bin men at 5.30am. I was completely wrung out for days afterwards but, as tired as I was, I couldn't sleep. After a week of this I went to the doctor, who gave me some pills to help me get back on track. They worked a treat, although possibly a bit too well, because all I've wanted to do this week is sleep. On Sunday I slept until noon, napped between 3pm - 6pm, then was ready for bed again before 10pm. The rest of the week has been similar. I've gone to work, come home and got into my jammies even before having dinner, then been in bed by 9pm.

Today wasn't too bad. I was feeling a bit better, aches and pains aside. I started thinking about taking up a new hobby, something a bit less physically demanding than Zumba or Salsa. Then, when I got home, I went to get up off the couch to make some food and my left leg gave way beneath me with no warning. It was like the power was sucked out of my thigh. It took me completely by surprise and I burst into tears. I'm not a tearful person, but I sat and cried for 5 minutes, feeling sorry for myself. All I could think of was that I don't want to be dependent on others to take care of me. I don't want to lose the use of my legs. I don't want to lose my independence and freedom. The thought that that's what's in store for me terrifies me. My work colleague is married and has grown children, so she has a lot of support around her, but I'm single, with little family to speak of and I don't want to be a burden to my friends. Nor do I want strangers taking care of me. The thought of that upsets me greatly.

I've also been feeling incredibly angry for a few weeks - not just a bit cross, but I've been feeling overly-aggressive and violent towards people over stupid little things. Not that I've acted on these feelings, but they're there, simmering away barely beneath the surface and I don't like feeling this way. I mentioned it to the doctor when I saw her, but she didn't think it was anything to worry about. I disagree and think I need to see another doctor who will take me seriously, before I end up lashing out at someone.

I'm sure the anger is because of my health issues. I'm angry at the world because of the unfairness of it all. I'm only 41 and, until recently, I was enjoying an active social life and a variety of activities, all of which I just don't have the energy for anymore. I miss my old life and I want it back! I miss Zumba and Salsa, and whatever else I might have fancied trying out in the future. But after talking to my colleague and after feeling the way I've been feeling for what feels like forever, the future looks quite bleak. Instead of having nothing to worry about, like the MS specialist implied, worry is all I can see down the road, and continuing failing health and mobility.

So yeah, I'm angry and scared and miserable at the whole prospect and I'm having my own private pity party for now. Hopefully normal service will resume shortly, but I'm not counting on it.